In most cases emotional wounds heal over time. However, if the relationship ended in a brutal and traumatic way, it won’t be enough to throw away your ex-partner’s belongings, delete photos of your ex-girlfriend and break all contact with him or her. You will need to actively work through your grief.
When you break up with someone you will not only have to deal with the emotional void created by the partner’s departure, but you will also have feelings like anger, rejection, the need to get revenge, especially if you were the one left.
Often there is the belief that that partner was perfect, that you will never meet anyone else who has all those qualities. Often you will find reflections of the aspects you like about yourself, as if the partner brings out the best in you. And if the ex-partner declares that he doesn’t like anything you have then the trauma will be even greater, the tendency will be to isolate and weaken confidence in yourself and in future partners. It is important to realize that many relationships fall apart until you find the person with whom you can form a harmonious and lasting couple.
I said above that you need to actively work with your own pain. In psychotherapy sessions with people who have gone through a break-up I suggest and help them to do the following:
- let their emotions express themselves without inhibiting them;
- to become aware of what has happened and to review their own beliefs and behaviour related to the former relationship;
- accept what has happened and take responsibility for their contribution to the relationship;
- to realise what has remained unfinished, to try to finalise and clarify;
- to think about what they want for themselves;
- to learn to be happy as an individual and to realise that it is not the other person who makes him happy, but himself;
- to begin to be able to live as an adult who is self-sufficient;
- to be able to start a new harmonious relationship in which both partners are equal.
So instead of blaming yourself and asking questions like: “Why is this only happening to me?”, “Will anyone else love me?”, better to focus on questions like “What can I learn from this experience?”. It is important to talk about your states, not to close yourself in and to yourself (not to deny the emotional states you are experiencing). However, be careful not to turn your friends into psychotherapists as it will not be healthy for you or for them. And one of the important things is to have the courage to try to enter into a new relationship. Even if it will take several attempts, don’t lose your courage and persist in looking for the right person for you.
