Bad Luck Or Coincidence? Couples Therapist Explains Why People End Up In Toxic Relationships

Almost everyone who has ever found themselves in a toxic relationship asks themselves afterwards whether it was bad luck or coincidence that they ended up with this very partner. But as painful as such connections are, they are often the ones that give us the starting signal for a new, more conscious path and allow us to grow personally.

People are controlled by the subconscious
But let’s take things one step at a time. So is it simply bad luck or coincidence to get into toxic relationships or to narcissistic people? The answer is quite clear: No. At least for me. Such a point of view enormously reinforces the perpetrator-victim idea and we virtually declare ourselves “incapable of action”. If we assume that everything happened by chance, this would mean in reverse that this could happen to us again and again. I find this thought and such a life feeling terrible.

Rather, I see it as everyone who was in a toxic relationship carried or carries certain attractions or negative beliefs. Often these come from early childhood or our youth and we carry them into adulthood. As a result, we usually date people who resemble our parents. Sounds absurd, but unfortunately it is the case. Of course, we don’t do this consciously, rather our subconscious controls us.

Do not point the finger at others
We humans always long for something familiar, regardless of whether this was pleasant or unpleasant. Something familiar-bad is in doubt, at least for our subconscious, more attractive than something new-good. This is also the reason why, for example, children of alcoholic parents “seek out” dysfunctional relationships in adulthood.

Applied to our example, this means that we often unconsciously recognize our parents in a partner with toxic behaviors and long for them. This can be, for example, an unbridgeable emotional distance, the failure to observe boundaries or the belittling of the other person. Now, some people might think that it is not our fault that we got into a toxic relationship, but rather our parents.

But unfortunately I have to deny this as well. Because our parents were also children once and acted according to their best knowledge and conscience. And, as always, it is of little use to point the finger at others. Because that would catapult us back into victim status.

Change your perspective on toxic relationships
There are certainly family issues, some of which have been passed down through umpteen generations. But none of the previous generations had the capacity, energy and time to work on them to the extent that we do. And we have a different awareness of such issues, largely because our basic needs, such as food or security, have been met.

So now it’s up to us. If we change our view of toxic relationships and perceive them as an opportunity rather than a punishment, they can help us point out unhealthy beliefs or family issues. This is then the first important step in resolving them. For only in this way will we succeed in changing our points of attraction into the positive, so that unhealthy connections become a thing of the past. And much more than that, it will turn us from victims into creators, which will release an enormous power within us, with which we can then create our own world and reality. Because, as always, change only happens from the inside out.