Hanover. Toxic relationships have become a buzzword, and that’s a good thing. Because under dysfunctional relationships unfortunately really many people. Some people may dismiss it as “normal” relationship problems. But in fact, many people become downright ill in these relationships, whether physically or psychologically. Toxic relationships thrive on opposites. Simply put, there is a taker and a giver. The taker, by nature, often does not suffer so much, but the giver does – especially if only the proverbial relationship crumbs remain for him.
Paradoxically, these relationships have a certain stability as long as both partners remain in their positions. But if the giver suddenly stops playing along and doesn’t feel like being treated a little rough anymore, then the already difficult relationship can become much more unstable.
Plus poles want to get something back
But even the giver is not always the poor empath. I also call these givers “plus poles.” Many plus poles give and give – but with the unspoken or even unconscious expectation that something will come back accordingly. If this does not happen, the plus pole often gets angry. The anger becomes greater when the plus pole feels provoked by the distancing of the minus pole.
This can go so far that the plus pole completely loses its composure – and then stands there as the unstable part of the relationship. These dynamics can therefore lead to both partners suffering from the relationship. Sometimes even a crass taker gets downright pissed off when the giver simply doesn’t want to be taken advantage of anymore.
“Stick to your truth for yourself”.
Then, when such a high-conflict relationship finally breaks down, it may well be that both partners rail against the other. Calling the other a “tox-ex,” or toxic ex-partner, or mutually resorting to the often unfortunate expression, “You’re a narcissist.”
You can only clear your own playing field
But that doesn’t mean you should only look at your own playing field: “Where were you in anger just because your partner didn’t do what you wanted? Where did you look the other way? Where did you treat yourself badly because you were in a situation for too long, putting significant stress on you?”
These are purposeful questions. You can’t clear the other person’s playing field, only your own. Look lovingly at your own weaknesses rather than thinking too much about others’. Try to come into peace with yourself and the world, then you bring really good energies into the system. If the other person does not want to join this peace and does not leave you alone, then set your limits coolly and precisely, but do not go into battle.
We all actually would like to end this perpetrator-victim game. Be the smarter one, or the one who is smarter, and just start!