1/ To act with the other as we would like him to act with us
I would say this is the most common mistake. For my part, I made it for a few years! We often tend to do to the other what we would like him to do to us, without taking into account his real desire. It’s human and it’s even a benevolent behavior, which starts from a good intention: to make the other person happy. Except that by doing so, we are wrong.
One must first learn to listen to the other, to hear and grasp his expectations and desires. Communication within the couple is therefore essential. I’m not just talking about discussing together, I’m really talking about grasping the issues, the innuendoes. Listening.
2/ Waiting for perfection
Perfection does not exist. Take that word out of your mind, don’t try to achieve it!
You cannot be perfect. Your partner can’t be either, your relationship will not be perfect! And fortunately! How boring it would be if everything was always at the top!
We often tend to think that finding a soul mate means finding the perfect relationship. That everything will work out for the best in the most perfect of worlds. FALSE! When you’ve found your soul mate and you want to make your relationship last, you have to work on it, collaborate, form a strong team to get through all the storms!
Why you have to be careful
If your greatest desire is to achieve perfection in your relationship, you can only be disappointed. When your partner’s faults start to show up and you realize that your life as a couple does not correspond to the image you had of them, you will experience it profoundly badly.
Either you will resign yourself and be unhappy, or you will leave each other to make the same mistake again.
What should you do then?
Live your relationship without thinking about its image, without worrying about stereotypes and by accepting the defects of your relationship. Accept that not everything can always be rosy. For example, if you find that you make less love than before, don’t say to yourself “it was better before” “I preferred passion”. No, tell yourself that after five, ten, fifteen, twenty years of living together, it is normal that desire is not always in the pink. Look at what is really important: you are happy, affectionate towards each other.
If to be happy you both need to be a libertine couple, if to be happy you prefer to have a separate room… THEN DO IT. We don’t care what other people think, what is important is that you find YOUR IDEAL!
3/ Change the other
We all try at one time or another to change the other. In the beginning, everything is beautiful, everything is pink, you only see the qualities of your partner. And then one day, his faults, his little quirks become unbearable for you. And you try, unconsciously or voluntarily, to change him. Then comes the time of reproaches, of “you’re not like this” and “you’re too much like that”. The time of Hell!
“Why does our partner suddenly no longer have the right to be what he has always been, which has never bothered us until now? »
“No one holds the rule that measures the “as it should” live, speak, think, act. Wanting to change the other is nothing other than an abuse of power which unfortunately shows that we see our partner as an object, a “thing” that we could model like a Pygmalion or that we would like to educate like a big child. »
Do not try to change your spouse! You have chosen him, for his whole, his everything. Yes, he’s boring, yes he’s not perfect, but maybe it’s even for some of his flaws that you chose him! Tell yourself that he doesn’t like EVERYTHING about you either and yet he accepts you and loves you just as you are
4/ Seeing the couple as injury repairers
For a long time, I myself sought to repair myself through a man. I took time to understand that I owe my happiness only to myself. That my anxieties, my past, my wounds could not be managed by anyone else but myself. Don’t put yourself in a couple to fill the void, the lack, your fear of abandonment because you will never heal.
You don’t join a couple because you are sad and desperate but because you feel good about yourself and you want to share this beautiful life with someone ?
I often hear people say “she’s not happy because things are not going well in her relationship”. This is not true! We may not be happy as a couple but it is not because of the couple that we are unhappy. You can be “unhappy as a couple” and be “happy in life”. Hence the importance of creating a strong inner self! To have passions and activities outside the couple.