When we start a new relationship, everything seems rosy and perfect, and our other half’s faults are perceived as insignificant. Because of this distorted view of reality, it is not always easy to realise that you are in an unhealthy relationship that is damaging you and your happiness. When we are in a destabilising relationship, our partner empties us and this prevents us from growing, from doing the things we love most; this unhealthy relationship thus becomes part of our identity, which ends up distorting our authenticity.
What happens when we end a relationship that only brings suffering?
Unhealthy relationships are certainly those whose end is the most difficult to come to terms with; in this case, it is as if we are dealing with the end of two relationships, the loss of two people who are completely at odds with each other. In fact, a characteristic of this type of relationship is that it changes drastically over time: an initial idyll that later gives way to a whirlwind of loneliness, anger, guilt, fear.
The ‘complicated’ aspect of the end of the relationship to accept in this case is that there is a part of us that remains firmly anchored to all the intense and wonderful emotions we experienced at the beginning of the relationship, and another, probably more conscious, part that is deeply wounded by all the negative implications the relationship had for us. We are split in two, oscillating between idealisation and nostalgia for the idealised person who is no longer there, and anger at him or her.
If your romantic relationship is undermining your emotional stability
Lying love is present in many more relationships than we think. Perhaps it is the kind of love we have been taught. Perhaps we have learned it on the basis of fears, illusions and false beliefs. We are not always aware that we are in a relationship that can only make us suffer. So is not wanting to change the situation out of fear or dependency.
We all deserve to be happy. It is possible to get out of a bad relationship. The big problem is that it is not a drastic and immediate change. It requires a lot of awareness, of becoming fully aware of what lies behind the person we have loved for so long. To begin with, it is essential to realise that we are immersed in a destructive relationship… to have the clarity that the person who says he or she loves us is slowly destroying our true identity. But when is it really time to stop? When is it time to say enough?
When he or she tries to change you
One constant in toxic love is the desire to change the other person. In essence, your partner wants you to become the perfect partner. This means that your partner does not accept you as you are. What he really loves about you is the idea that one day you will become the perfect partner he imagines you to be.
If you are emotionally dependent on him
We could say that this is one of the great evils of our time. The fear of loneliness, of having no one to love us, makes us emotionally dependent. Sometimes this attitude is the result of a childhood full of emotional deficits and trauma, which obviously compromises future relationships. Emotional dependency absorbs, consumes and confuses love with a strong addiction.
When he wants to own you
Here is another unhealthy behaviour that causes many relationships to become toxic. Possessing means not letting you breathe, annoying, controlling. This is not love, it is insecurity. Nobody owns you, never allow that to happen. We are free and should never be in this situation. Know that behind this urge to possess, there is no love….The real kind of love is based on respect and trust, always remember that.
When he mistreats you
Beating the one you love, mistreating her, cannot have loving feelings. No matter how many mistakes a person makes or has made, he or she does not deserve physical violence. If your partner abuses you, not only physically but also verbally, know that it is a toxic love. Differences should be discussed and no one should be forcibly subjected to another’s will. There must always be respect.
If he forbids you to hang out with your friends
It is understandable that in the first few months of a relationship, you might distance yourself from your friends. However, if this situation continues for more than a year, two or three, then something is wrong. If your partner is pushing you away from your friends, it means that he does not respect your feelings and therefore does not love you.
One thing we often overlook is that friendships, if we nurture them, last a lifetime. So be careful, because if toxic love leaves you, you will want the support of your friends and they may not be there.
When he stops appreciating you
Contempt is a poison in a relationship that undermines its essential foundations: respect and appreciation. When your partner begins to despise what you do, love has come to an end: he sees you as inferior, not equal. It is the end of the relationship because it means that he has finally stopped considering your point of view. According to him, you only make mistakes, you only say wrong things, you only think nonsense…..
When he starts to criticise you
One insidious attitude that undermines a relationship is criticism. Small behaviours start to annoy him, some of your habits become annoying….even attitudes, mannerisms become a cause for discussion. Even the simple performance of vital functions (sound of breathing, tone of voice, etc.) begins to become a source of criticism and annoyance. As soon as the opportunity arises, he will point it out to you: he will hurl accusations, jokes, barbs.
When he does not accept his mistakes
Permanent defensiveness is the disease of those who neither admit nor accept their mistakes, shortcomings, errors. Oh no: I am the victim, not you. You are wrong, not me. It goes hand in hand with contempt and criticism and kills any possibility of honest confrontation.
When he no longer shows interest
Another sign that indicates an unhealthy relationship is obstructionism, i.e. triggering an uncooperative, disinterested attitude, distant from discussions. Arguments are a tool (it seems paradoxical) for trying to get closer, but if your partner denies you any possibility of dialogue, it means that he has lost interest in you.