Always quarreling, anger, misunderstandings: The worst poison for love we produce ourselves through these behaviors, which we too often find normal.
Sure, things don’t always run smoothly in a relationship. Especially if you and your partner have been together for a long time, you know that it’s normal when things don’t go so well. However, if this is the permanent state, it may be due to some behaviors that have become self-evident in your everyday life.
These 5 behaviors are real relationship killers
We show you the 5 worst relationship killers and what you can do about it.
Here’s what you shouldn’t do: Hold grudges
Your husband was a bad at his best friend’s birthday party – three years ago. He was rude, too drunk too fast, and then he left you there alone. You might be starting to forgive him for that failure. But no. Instead, you hold his past failures against him whenever you have a fight – because he then bombards you with taunting references to how YOU flirted a little too hard with a co-worker two years ago.
Why this is damaging your relationship: What are you doing? You’re keeping lists in your head of moments when you hurt each other. It’s certainly not bad to keep track of who treated you badly. But if after a negative event you decide to stay with that person anyway, you have to forgive each other for the old mistakes and check them off. Otherwise, over the years, you’ll reinforce all the negative moments and accumulate a huge mountain of crap that is guaranteed to poison your relationship.
If you want to live a love, you have to strengthen your heart with thoughts and memories of the beautiful moments.
Passive-aggressive behavior destroys the relationship
A friend of mine was recently angry with her husband because of something. But she didn’t want to tell him about what, because she doesn’t like his way of arguing. So she officially kept her anger to herself – but it kept bursting out of her – in the form of little venomous remarks, which she knows can irritate her husband.
At one point he was also mega angry, the boiler exploded and they yelled loudly at each other. Only then did she unpack what her problem was: he had left her alone for many months to pick out gifts for mutual friends and family, but always basked beautifully in the glow of the presents she had procured and wrapped.
Why this hurts your relationship: All of us screw up sometimes, aren’t attentive enough, or are just plain selfish. But when something really makes us angry, we need to be able to discuss this point openly and constructively with our life partner. Many women find it normal to be bitchy for a long time instead of openly addressing the actual problem. But in fact, this cowardice only harms us.
If we are afraid to openly address a problem because our partner reacts to it unpleasantly, this is a sign of a lack of communication skills – this is how you will never manage to keep your love alive in the long run. If this problem concerns you, try to pay attention to when conflicts arise and how you deal with them. Agree to discuss your problems openly, setting speaking times when one talks and the other just listens attentively.
You question the whole relationship
Your husband was quite rude to you the other night. Maybe he was stressed from work – in any case, he made a stupid remark and then left you sitting alone on the couch. When you complain about this, you don’t say, “It bothers me when you treat me as coldly as you did last night.” Instead, you say, “I can’t be with someone who treats me so coldly.”
Why this hurts your relationship: If you don’t specifically address the individual moment in your criticism, but immediately question the entire relationship, the problem takes on much more weight. For the man it is no longer just a small problem, no, he immediately has the feeling that the whole relationship is in trouble – and can secretly lead to resignation.
Targeted words make it much easier for you to solve a concrete problem – without your whole love immediately becoming a question mark.
You blame him for your own emotions
Let’s assume that one of you is having a bad day. The person would now like loving attention from his partner – but he is very busy. First he’s on the phone with colleagues, then he has a date with friends in the evening. But the one with the grumpy mood doesn’t like it at all. So he complains and gives his partner the feeling that he should have canceled all his activities for him. “I’m not doing so well, you must notice that, then you have to build me up.”
Why this hurts your relationship: Of course, love partners are supposed to build each other up. But neither of you should ever make your partner feel responsible for your own emotions. If you’re in a bad mood, it’s first of all your responsibility to do something about it, or else to communicate that you’re not feeling so well. Otherwise the other person will slowly but surely get the feeling that he can’t do anything and plan anything without checking your emotions first. This restricts your personal freedom. And if you feel restricted, you will try to get out of it one day. Usually sooner rather than later.
Relationship killer: Solve conflicts with gifts
You’ve had a really bad fight, and both of you are deeply hurt. But you don’t really know how to resolve the dispute. So you do something completely different: a nice little weekend trip! A bit of partying, a bit of wellness, delicious food, chatting about this and that – only you don’t talk about the quarrel. Or you are angry at him because he screwed up something – and he buys you a nice ring to make you feel better. You’re happy and say, “Bygones!”
Why this harms your relationship: At first glance, it seems perfectly normal to do something good for yourself or give a nice gift to make up for a bad moment. But when the real issue is covered up and left unresolved, your relationship becomes a mudhole of unresolved disagreements that you try to cover with powdered sugar. This tactic cannot work.